Me: “This tank is disgusting! How on earth do you do that?!”Gamera: “On counsel’s advice, I invoke my right under the Fifth Amendment not to answer.”Me: “Seriously, turtle, how do you foul your tank so fast?!”Gamera: “On counsel’s advice, I invoke my right under the Fifth Amendment not to answer … ape.”Me: “Turtle, you have no right under the Fifth Amendment. The constitution affords you zero rights.”Gamera: “The heck I don’t, ape! The Bill of Rights applies to reptiles too, you know.”Me: “I’m not familiar with that constitutional theory, turtle. How did you reach that conclusion?”Gamera: “Founders intent, ape. Duh.”Me: “So you think originalism gets you there?! What evidence do you have that the founders intended reptiles to have rights?”Gamera: “Gadsden flag, ape. Duh.”

Me: “This tank is disgusting! How on earth do you do that?!”

Gamera: “On counsel’s advice, I invoke my right under the Fifth Amendment not to answer.”

Me: “Seriously, turtle, how do you foul your tank so fast?!”

Gamera: “On counsel’s advice, I invoke my right under the Fifth Amendment not to answer … ape.”

Me: “Turtle, you have no right under the Fifth Amendment. The constitution affords you zero rights.”

Gamera: “The heck I don’t, ape! The Bill of Rights applies to reptiles too, you know.”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that constitutional theory, turtle. How did you reach that conclusion?”

Gamera: “Founders intent, ape. Duh.”

Me: “So you think originalism gets you there?! What evidence do you have that the founders intended reptiles to have rights?”

Gamera: “Gadsden flag, ape. Duh.”